Appeasment

Appease: (verb) To pacify or placate (someone) by acceding to their demands. You know who you are.
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I realise that it has been a while since I wrote one of these rarely-read narratives, populated with poor puns (apologies for the atrocious alliteration) but you must understand that it is not merely apathy that has quelled my ability to blog. Matters of grave importance, such as my current illegal immigrant status, have been pre-occupying. 


We are currently in Peru, having endured a 19 hour long adventure via four buses and one illegal taxi that circumnavigated Lake Titicaca. To enter into Peru we crossed at an abandoned border without our passports having to be shown once. Immigration control is obviously one of Peru's lesser concerns - It's bordering on ridiculous. 

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Since my last blog I have visited an array of amazing places, met a plethora of people and engaged in numerous adrenaline filled, heart-pumping activities. Fortunately for you my memory of, and ability to orate such events is less than perfect. A summary of those that most stand out seems most suitable...


Fiji


Fiji is exactly how you imagine it. Glorious sunshine, interrupted only by the odd monsoon shower; golden beaches that frame the most turquoise of seas, and the friendliest of people. However, as friendly as the Fijian people are, it still takes you aback when you see the men adorning skirts and the women adorning thicker moustaches than any 22 year old north London Jew could ever dream of growing. I guess everything is indeed the opposite way round in the souther hemisphere. 


Most of my time in Fiji was spent relaxing in a hammock, however two nights stand out in particular. The first was my birthday. David organised a grand celebration which included a shipped-in-from-the-mainland cake. It would have been the most memorable of birthdays had David not also organised a lethal dirty pint. From then on, recollection of that night becomes less than crystal clear.


The second night was the night of the Tokyo earthquake. All Pacific islands were put on tsunami alert and at around 1am the police blasted through a megaphone that we were to be evacuated to higher ground. However at our hostel we were hearing varying reports regarding the gravity of the situation and thus in another example of my laziness, I decided that I would simply move from my dorm on the ground floor to the one on the first floor. What? That's higher ground, isn't it? 
In the end only 2-3cm of water hit Fiji and we waved goodbye to any danger.


New Zealand


Lord of the Rings does not do New Zealand justice. The landscape is even more beautiful than that portrayed in the movies and the people are surprisingly taller. It is a stunning country with an unfathomable amount of things to see and do. It's like Australia on steroids.


One particular highlight (quite literally) was skydiving. Falling from 15,000ft is an indescribable feeling, though I'll try to describe it. Adrenaline pumping, palms sweating and nerves racing. It didn't help that my ogre-like Brazilian instructor was making jokes about how it was only his second jump and pointing to the plaster on his finger, saying "look, first jump not so good". Regardless of his feeble attempts to unnerve me, we landed safely, and needless to say I detached myself from his freakishly enormous frame as quickly as possible. 


Besides skydiving, the Tongariro crossing was my favourite activity in NZ. The Tongariro crossing consisted of hiking for seven hours, covering 22km up, down and around snow covered volcanoes. That may not appeal to everyone, but what we gained at the end was well worth it. The sense of achievement and pride within ourselves, not the aching limbs and bloody blisters.


 It was too dangerous that day to scale Mt Doom (from LOTR fame). Despite this initial set back and blow to my confidence (if a 3ft 4 hobbit could reach the top whilst being hounded by all sorts of baddies, why couldnt I?) we carried on. I could make the obvious joke of the hike having its ups and downs but I fear I may have used it in a previous blog when describing bungee jumping. Then again, I doubt anyone is likely to remember any of my previous blogs. So, I guess, the hike had its ups and downs. Literally.


Chile


I said goodbye to David and western culture and flew in to Santiago, Chile where I awaited the arrival of Adam Jason Cohen and David Louis Shemoon. Things were about to get a lot more handsome. That comment was at the request of AJC.


Travelling south from Santiago we were fairly under prepared in the clothes department. We should have realised- I mean the clue is in the name- it was effin' freezing! 


Our favourite place was San Pedro de Atacama- a town in the north of Chile in the middle of the driest desert in the world. It seems that the weather played an important role in our perceptions of the places we visited in Chile. From there we did day trips to see geysers and salt lakes and to go sandboarding.Unlike in Namibia and New Zealand, this type of sandboarding was standing up, similar to snowboarding, and not lying flat on the board. Standing up is easier said than done however. The majority of the time was spent on my arse. I think that by the end of the day I had acquired half of the desert in my shoes, hair and ears. 


Bolivia


From San Pedro de Atacama we travelled to Uyuni in Bolivia, passing through the salt flats. Along the way we saw numerous pituresque salt lagoons, pink flamingoes and a rock shaped as a tree. The last one was as exciting as it sounds. A rock. In the shape of a tree. 


At the salt flats we admired the view for a good 2 minutes, spending the rest of the time with genitalia hanging out, attempting rude and humorous photos. We had lunch at the salt flats and needless to say Adam joked about needing salt for his food countless times. Un-Boliviable. 


Elsewhere in Bolivia we visited Potosi (where we did a tour of a silver mine); Sucre (where we watched a fashion show in the middle of town, waving at the male models to distract them) and La Paz, the capital. 


In La Paz, Shemoon unfortunately got salmonella poisoning and had to spend 3 days in hospital. The main cause of salmonella poisioning is from un-cooked food such as chicken but as we had all eaten similar meals, we were able to rule that possibility out. On Wikipedia, it claims that another cause can be from eating or being in contact with animal excrement. Shemoon won't admit it, but for his safety Adam and I are making sure he doesn't go near and more dog's behinds.


Peru


So here we are. It took 20 hours to get to Arrequipa, but we finally arrived, even if a tad bit illegaly. In the next few days we will be trekking the second largest canyon in the world (trekking the first would just be showing off) and then heading to Cuzco for rainforest and machu pichu shizzle. All very exciting. 


Hasta Luego. Ciao ciao


xx 

Jack Of All Trades, Master of None

Since last writing, I have gone from being a professional scuba diver to a true Australian to an accomplished sailor and cyclone survivor to a whip cracking, goat wrestling cowboy to a full on leather clad biker. It's been an interesting two weeks. Let me try and explain...

A professional diver on the Great Barrier Reef


We arrived in Cairns and booked ourselves on a trip to the reef with two introductory dives included. This was the first time I had scuba dived and in the end I was able to dive three times. This was because I had tactically passed on a cold I had had for the previous few days to David, meaning he wasnt able to equalise his ears underwater and thus couldnt dive. I said "every cloud and all that" to Dave, but I dont think he appreciated it. The dives weren't towards and sort of qualification but by the end of my third dive I was able to think of myself as some sort of professional diver. Call me Cristiano or Didier.

Becoming a true Aussie on Magnetic Island


We stayed in Magnetic Island for three nights and it was quite possible my favourite place in Oz so far. Australia day was a particular highlight. We fully embraced Aussie culture by doing all the things a typical Australian does on Australia day. We painted ourselves in green and gold, flung ourselves along a slip 'n' slide, played beach cricket, ate a barbie and drank plenty of beers. The only thing missing was a couple Rolf Harris tunes, but I guess you cant have everything, can you?

Sailing the Whitsundays and Surviving the cyclone


The Whitsundays are a group of tropical islands with some of the most beautiful beaches in the world. One of them, Whitehaven, has sand that is 99%. Rumours have it that NASA use it for some space shit or something.

Although we planned to do a two day one night sailing trip, it was cut short due to the imminent cyclone. Sunday was the day that was cut short and so I guess that means we only got to a whit sailing trip. Sorry. During the trip we were asked to help out with the sailing by the crew. Over the two days the one job I had was to pull a rope which in turn hoisted a sail. As soon as I did it though, the skipper frantically rushed to the sail looking perturbed. turns out the sail had a big tear down it. I reckon that'll be the last time I ever get asked to help out on a sailing trip.

We sailed back adorned in bright yellow rain jackets, being bashed and battered by wave upon wave and relentess rain. That night, the cyclone hit, taking out the power and several trees. In all honesty, it didnt do that much damage and it wasn't all that scary either - but I can still say I survived a cyclone, and that's friggin' cool.

A whip-cracking and goat-wrestling cowboy


Taking a change of pace from the cyclone, we headed to a cattle station to learn how to become a real Australian cowboy. With cowboy hats on our heads and bandanas round our necks, we certainly looked the part. Well, only if the part was a part in brokeback mountain. We cracked whips, rode a mechanical bull, shot clay pidgeons and wrestled a goat. All in a days work for a cowboy like me.

Being a biker


In the small town of 1770 we turned into bikers for the day. We wore helmets with flames and jackets with leather (or leather jackets in biker talk). I straddled an All American, stars and stripes bike and rode off into the sunset.

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Cowboy by day, biker by night, diving on weekends and sporadically battling cyclones, Im becoming more and more Aussie. Right, speak to you all soon, Im off to cook a barbie on the beach. Maybe I'll bring the Rolf Harris CD as well.

Water, Water Everywhere

Let me first apologize for the rather extended hiatus that I have taken from the blogosphere.  I could give you some spiel about how busy I’ve been absorbing the Australian culture but in truth the combination of alcohol fuelled nights and a very lazy attitude have added up to a rather apathetic approach to blogging. Let me make it up to you now with a sprinkling of stories from Laos and Australia.

Laos

Laos was frickin awesome. The highlight, of course, was tubing. For those of you, ignorant about the joys of tubing let me quickly educate you. Tubing consists of floating down a large merky river on an inflatable rubber ring. As you drift through the disease infested water centimeters above jagged rocks, little Laotian men arrow empty water bottles attached to rope towards you and your tube. Once you catch the rope, the little Laotian men drag you in and you clamber up yet more jagged rocks to reach the bar. Besides the obvious dangers of drunk tubing, there are jumps, zip lines and slides that entice many to fling themselves head first into the river with often nasty outcomes.  On the first day of tubing I jumped, flew and slid with the zeal and enthusiasm of a weightwatcher surrounded by half price pies. That was until I saw someone emerging from the water with their feet facing in opposite directions. The pies didn’t look too tasty after that.

After our time tubing in Vang Vieng had come to an end, we travelled to Vientiane (the capital of Laos) for a day. There’s really nothing special about Vientiane and so in the evening we ended up going bowling as a source of entertainment. With communist flags draped on the walls and the Justin Bieber album being blasted through the sound sytem, it turned out to be a rather bizarre experience.  I don’t know about you, but I felt the combination of the communist hammer and sickle with the very much product-of-capitalism-12 year old’s music funny enough to be included in the blog. But that might just be me.

Australia

After Laos, and a few final days in Thailand, I travelled to Australia, where I have now been for four weeks. Any preconceived ideas of an idyllic paradise bathed in glorious sunshine have quickly been washed away. The weather has, in all honesty, been shit.

That being said, we have still been able to have a pretty sweet time.

We spent Christmas in Melbourne and had two equally awesome experiences. Firstly, our half Aussie, half Icelandic Christmas eve dinner courtesy of Brendan and Jana (whom I met on the Joburg-Vic falls trip – remember that?) and Jana’s family. And secondly, two and half days of one of the greatest ashes tests.

To see the Aussies be bowled out for 98 on Boxing Day, at the MCG, was a truly remarkable and yet unexpected feat. It wasn’t all about the cricket however. The atmosphere – with over 87,000 people in the stadium-was equally special. Banter bounced back and forth between the Barmy Army and the Aussies, whilst chains of beer cups were formed that spanned whole tiers. The security and the police acted as the pantomime villains, curtailing any fun that they perceived was being had, and throwing fans out for the most absurd reasons. Skulling a beer, starting a Mexican wave and singing Justin Bieber songs were all possible offences that could result in being chucked out. Ok, I made that last one up- we’re not in Laos any more.

In Sydney, on New Year’s Eve, we watched a couple of fireworks beneath the harbor bridge. One and a half million people, $5m worth of fireworks, 12 minutes of bangs and flashes- bit over the top really- they didn’t even have a Catherine’s wheel.

Leaving Sydney, we joined the Oz Experience – a hop on hop off bus, travelling all the way the east coast up to Cairns. We have now stopped off at four different places- Coffs Harbour, Surf Camp, Byron Bay and Surfers Paradise. Here’s a quick summary of each place:

Coffs: Lots of rain and lots of drinking

Surf Camp: A 2 hour Surf lesson- Improvements have been made since South Africa- I was able to stand on at least 3 occassions

Byron Bay – Even more rain, and even more drinking

Surfers Paradise – Sunshine! 

Whether it be floating down the river in Laos or the rain that has plagued our journey so far, water has been the consistent theme of the last five weeks. Okay, so the connections are slightly tenuous, but I had to come up with some idea to hold the blog together.

Of course, the floods in Queensland have been the biggest problem. We were due to travel to Brisbane in order to carry on our journey up the east coast, however now we have had to change our plans. We will be flying to Cairns tomorrow and then working our way back to Brisbane.

Right, time to go- I forgot how exhausting blogging was. Im going to go get a drink now-I can guarantee you it won’t be a drink of water though!

X X X

Superman Versus Buddha

Yesterday contained two equally surreal and enjoyable yet vastly different experiences. The first was a visit to the White Temple, a temple that has, according to the architect, fused traditional Thai art with paintings of contemporary scenes and images of both real and fictitious influencing characters.

In the main temple building, amongst the standard paintings of Buddha are images of Superman, Spiderman and Neo from the Matrix. Even George Bush and Osama Bin Laden make an appearance within the eyes of Buddha himself. 

Now, I know there is a certain level of respect that should be maintained whilst in a place of worship, but amongst the giggles, I couldn't help but wonder, "who would win in a fight- Superman or Buddha?" Technically, the only thing that can defeat Superman is kryptonite, but then again Buddha could easily just magic some up with a crinkle of his nose. So what if superman, spiderman, neo and Osama bin laden all joined forces to defeat Buddha? Now you're just being silly; everyone knows that those four would never team up together. It was at that point that I decided I should probably stop daydreaming and leave before security forcibly removed me. 

The second event of the day was the Chiang Rai Music Festival. People came from around the...well, province, to see top Thai talent such as Rastafarah and Joyboy. 

The festival had all the standard attractions that wouldn't seem out of place at Glasto or Leeds. Amongst the ferris wheel (that wasn't working) and the bouncy castle (which I had one foot on before swiftly walking off in disgust after being told of the 75p price tag) was a giant elephant constructed out of water bottles. And if you were wondering, yes, the elephant was anatomically correct. And yes I got a couple of immature photos.

Maybe if Superman had the water bottle elephant on his side....

Lots of love to all,

Jonny x x x

My First Encounter With Prison Life

Now, before you begin to worry (or speculate) about what illegal activities I have been engaging in, let me first inform you that I actually chose to go to prison today. And it wasn't just any old jail, oh no. It was Chiang Mai's notorious women's prison. Ok, notorious was an exaggeration.

And what, you may ask, was I doing in a women's prison for an hour? Well, I was being poked, prodded and stretched in all the most peculiar ways. By an inmate. That's right, I got a criminal massage.

For about 4 quid I received a rough and fairly intimate massage from one of the female prisoners. The service is part of their rehabilitation training program and the money goes directly to the prisoners to use after their release.

The prisoners/masseurs are all within 6 months of release and I wanted to ask the woman who gave me my massage whether her story had a happy ending. But I thought asking a Thai woman about happy endings was probably an avenue I didn't want to explore.

Since I last posted a blog, I have been down to Koh Samui, Koh Phagnan (full moon party island) and Koh Tao (full moon recovery island). Full moon was an awesome night- the highlight being, as those who saw my status update will already know, the genius artwork I had on my back. Painted in neon colours were the words "FULL MOOO-N" and the picture of a cow. Hilarity ensued. The amount of people I had coming up to me that night going "that is one extremely funny pun you've got there on your back" was, well at least 3.

From Koh Tao, I made the epic 31 hour journey (by motorbike, ferry, bus, train and tuk tuk) to Chiang Mai  where I am now. Tomorrow Im beginning a 3 day trekking adventure and in a week or so I will be heading to Laos for the sole reason of floating inebriated down a river in a black rubber ring. Can not wait!

Love to you all

Jonny x x x

Teacher, Leave Those Kids Alone

After more than three weeks at a school in a town two hours north of Bangkok, Teacher Jonathan is no more.

I had an awesome time at the school and the kids were great. In the least paedophilic way possible, they were all very, very cute.

Having now left the school, I feel that the I have left a lasting impact on the kids' abilities to speak English. After the first week they had mastered bookkeeping and by the end of the third, many were reciting passages from Shakespeare.

Okay, I am exaggerating slightly. Really, they were able to say such profound wisdoms as "yesterday I went to ayuttaya an I go swimming" or "tomorrow I go to school with friends". Personally, I'd actually prefer to hear these kinds of stories than a Macbeth or an Othello. But thats just me. Music may well be the food of love, William, but going to Bangkok to play ping pong is far more interesting.

Enough of that nonsense, I was meant to tell you what Im up to. I've spent the last 3 nights in Bangkok (one night included going to a Muay Thai boxing match which was incredible!) and tonight Im travelling to Phuket where ill be spending just the one night. After that its Phi Phi for two nights, a couple more on Koh Samui before heading to Koh Phagnan for full moon.

Alright, back to the nonsense. (Is it obvious I dont structure my blogs very well? ) Given the name of the blog, I thought it only right to mention how Israeli Thailand really is. Walking down the streets of Bangkok you bump into some big, big Jews as you pass delis, cafes, travel agents and shops all with big neon signs in Hebrew. I even stumbled across an Israeli restaurant serving bagels, chicken soup and other such delights. Needless to say it was the only restaurant on the road with an armed guard sitting outside.

Enough for now.

Love to you all

Jonny x x x

(A)Musings from Thailand

My Town

The town in which I am currently staying is a small town with few western luxuries. There is one 7/11, one swimming pool and one internet cafe. It also has one of the largest statues of Buddha in Thailand at almost 100m high. As the old Thai proverb goes... "A town is not a town without a golden Godzilla sized statue of his divine holiness". Or words to that effect.

During the week I am teaching at a school 20 minutes away by bicycle. You can forget the peculiar spotted seat designs and leaves-on-track delays of the packed northern line. The only thing that may stop me from getting to school would be an elephant-on-path delay. It hasn't happened to me yet, but I've heard it is a distinct possibility. It would certainly trunkate my journey.

Amusing Monks

The journey to school passes by a local temple and it is not uncommon to see orange tunic clad monks going about their duties. However, rather than praying or cleaning their statues of Buddha or doing other "holy" things, I have on several occassions seen them going about more mundane tasks. For example, one morning I saw one monk mowing the lawn and another morning I saw one clambering up a telephone poll, attempting to fix the wires, as another looked on, barking instructions. I do not think it is possible to describe quite how surreal these sights really are. It is at least comforting to know that being a devout follower of big B does not exempt onself from the most menial of chores.

Continuing my education in Buddhism, last weekend I attended the party and ceremony of a boy becoming a monk; although the focus was certainly more slanted towards the party. The drinking and dancing started early- when we arrived at 8am the beer was already flowing and by 10am the whisky was cracked open. I did not mind the drinking; it was the dancing that got to me. We danced for half an hour in the baking heat as we made our way to the temple for the "monkhood" ceremony. The majority of that time consisted of staggering old men smelling of whisky either coming up to us to "help" us with out dancing (this included a full hands on hips grope which I wasnt all that comfortable with) or them dragging us to their middle-aged daughters/sisters/cousins/wives in a bid to pair us off with the most unattractive and desperate women they could find. They were basically acting as pimps. Primark pimps: They had a stock of cheap tat - all made in Asia - and only the larger sizes were left.

The Real Thailand

Without wanting to sound too "gap yah" ish, I am enjoying how unlike typical tourist Thailand the town in which I am living is. An abscence of hot showers and western food helps to enhance the idea that I am experiencing a part of Thailand that few travellers get to.

Having said all that.... In just over 2 weeks I'll be heading to the full moon party on Koh Phagnan where I plan to fully and unashamedly reimmerse myself in all the western comforts I have been deprived of recently. It will be an orgy of pizzas, burgers, hot showers, and conversations in English. If anyone reading this is going to be there (November 21st) then be sure to let me know!

Lots of love to everyone

Jonny x x x